Romantic Horseshit 101

Some relationship articles aren't dumb at all, just overly cutesy like this one. The fact people get paid to write this shit is beyond me. Anyways, there's a few opening paragraphs which provide enough insight to make the average Us Weekly article read like fucking Carl Sagan, and then it spews cow patties about asking yourself questions. Perhaps out loud. On an Amtrak. Naked.

"The marriage question
Have you been fantasising about your wedding day since you were a child? Or would you be just as happy having some other sort of commitment such as a mortgage with your partner?"

Well this is tough, because I see so many people during the course of my day where from mere appearances, I think to myself, "I'd love to have a joint checking account with this individual. They look so responsible". Lord knows, I once dated a girl because I just knew she'd be perfect to put money down with towards buying a Prius together. She dumped me when the word "Prius" came out of my mouth.

"The future question
Do you have visions of growing old and grey with your partner? Or are you more of a serial monogamist, who's happy to have a few good years with someone before moving on to the next relationship?"

Generally, I try to refrain from picturing my dates as older, saggier tittied versions of themselves. Particularly when fucking them.

"The kids question
Is the tick from your biological clock deafening you? Or does the thought of snotty little brats fill you with dread? What do you think about a relationship involving children from a previous marriage or relationship?"

The thought of snotty little brats waking me up in the middle of the night, poking me with hot embers and telling me I'm their father would fill me with a lot of dread, come to think of it.

"The best friend question
Do you want your partner to be your best friend, or is there someone else in your life that your partner will never compete with when it comes to being a best friend?"

No, in fact I'd like the love of my life to be worst enemy. We'd be adversaries, sleeping with each other, owning a house and perhaps raising children together, and all the while plotting to kill each other. Only we won't, end up living until our 70's or 80's and spending the rest of eternity up in "assassin heaven" pissed off at ourselves for missing our chance.

"The details question
Is it necessary for you to hear about every little incident and thought your partner has day in, day out? Or do you prefer to have some emotional space, preferring to hear only the Reader's Digest version of what your partner’s been up to?"

I interpret this as the "are you a jealous fuck?" question. I interpret my interpretation of the question to be correct. I interpret my answer to be "no, I don't need to know every little thing she does." Except the "I got drunk that night with Wendy from work and had the entire Accounting Department run the train on me." This would be a minor detail worth knowing.

"The (in)dependence question
Are you looking for someone to do absolutely everything with, from your home life to your hobbies? Or are you happy with spending time being independent as well as together? "

The couples who literally do everything together are really cute at first, and then begin to creep you out when you notice they laugh at their own jokes the exact same way, cut their steak into the same size bites, seem to have the exact same opinion on the acting abilities of a pre-1987 Steve Martin...and then, a couple years later, when you're still "single" and they're still together, you grow a festering hatred for them and consider the possibilities of setting their house on fire. Even when you do, they'll still piss you off when they run out of the house at the exact same time, screaming the exact same thing.

"The sex question
Are you prepared to be in a relationship where the sex is so-so if every other aspect of the relationship is excellent? Perhaps sex is the most crucial aspect of your relationship? Identifying this up-front can help you choose more suitable partners. "

Personally, the sex with me isn't that important. It really comes down to how well the bitch cooks meatloaf. My mom, bless her heart, makes GREAT meatloaf. Almost everyone else I know takes a lump of buffalo shit out of the oven that has the consistency of drywall and still have the nerve to actually call it meatloaf. Fuck that.

"A perfect ending
'I am deliriously happy. Being what some refer to as middle-aged, I was tentative about Internet dating. I had concluded that it was only for twenty-somethings after seeing the TV ads! I decided I had nothing to lose though and went ahead anyway. Within a week I was contacted by the wonderful man who has become the love of my life! We agreed to meet for coffee. We just walked, talked, dined and gazed into each others' eyes all along Melbourne's Southbank. Now, eight months later, we are planning to spend the rest of our lives together. I still cannot believe how quick it was to find that special someone.' Heather, Geelong, VA. "

Well, apparently all it takes to swoon middle-aged Heather is to take her out for coffee and stare at her. If this is all it takes to score poon from internet dating...