Smoke Signals

On Saturday night, I was approached by a guy and a girl who both pointed to my shoes and asked where I got them. I informed them, and they kindly offered a smoke in return. Being a "social" smoker of cigs, I said "sure, wth..."

For about...fuck, probably around 60 minutes, the three of us blow through about half a pack, discussing everything from the royal fuck up known as the Seattle Mariners, to the state of fashion in Romania (seriously, and no, I don't remember our consensus).

Afterwards, we went back inside, and more or less dispatched ourselves to wherever our own friends were inside, without another word exchanged between us. That's when it hit me; I'm used to people whom I just met, if they end up spending as much time with me as those two did, asking for my cell number or some method of contact. I think the "Seattle Freeze" is 60%-80% bullshit (and that is being generous), but this particular example of mine is a good indicator that out here, you often have to make the move yourself to initiate the "hey, let's be friends!!!" banter.

Unless they want to fuck you, of course. That would be a different subject altogether.

The Big Kids' Table

There's a hot debate (link goes to the comments section) going on over in one of my favorite blogs over...hot-air semantics, really. Good honest arguments are all being made, but this exchange in particular I find strange:

"DPU: That would be an accurate comparison if al Qaeda had conquered Iraq rather being a non-entity there prior to the invasion.

You don't seem to understand what I'm saying.

The US has fought more than one war in Iraq since 2003.

Let me put it this way. The war against Saddam in Iraq was a war of choice and arguably a distraction.

The war against Al Qaeda (etc.) in Iraq was not a war of choice and was not a distraction.

My parents, for example, opposed the war against Saddam in Iraq but support the war against Al Qaeda in Iraq. Others, like Andrew Sullivan, supported the war against Saddam in Iraq and oppose the war against Al Qaeda in Iraq. All tehse (sic) people correctly view the wars as separate. You should, too, if you want to understand my point."

I agree the "battles" being fought from the initial invasion in 2003 up until Saddam's capture (and to be fair, that should probably be bumped up to sometime during the beginning phases of the new Iraqi Government) is light years different than what has been waged over the past couple years. But, the Bush Administration used Al Qaeda (partially) as the bait to gain support for a war to uproot Saddam, and had to know that Al Qaeda would eventually (though not prior to) become a factor at some point during our adventure. Strategies have changed, troops have been moved around, but this was part of the plan, make no mistake. Flypaper strategy, motherfuckers. This is all the same war; different phase yes, but the same war. When getting cute to make a simple point by declaring this an entirely different military intervention, you cloud the entire purpose of the event itself defined by those who created it.

There's no way when looking at now-unemployed Donald Rumsfeld's smirk that this was only about Saddam. No. Fucking. Way.

Why Girls Are Retarded, Part 4,223-B

I'm with a group of dudes. We enter a known upscale meatmarket with unreasonably overpriced food and drinks and a really hot waitstaff (Joey's if you must know. There's three in the Seattle area, and while the food kinda sucks and five drinks later you've almost blown through your commission, I'm not kidding about the waitstaff). We take a seat, order a round of drinks, and two decent but not knock-your-socks-off-looking girls take it upon themselves to squeeze in our booth.

The two of them at first completely ignore me, and then one decides to scoot my way with an "are you from here?" line, complete with a VERY HARD question mark at the end, as if I have three heads with a velvet penis protruding from each possibly indicating that I am in fact not from this area. Or earth, even.

I give her my standard I-moved-here-from-Boston babble, leaving out some of the normal details since this girl has her hand firmly planted on the thigh of one of my friends while talking to me, and I figure at any moment she'll return to giving him most of the attention. We end up having a pleasant, if somewhat banal, conversation (her hand at no point during this moving off of my friend's leg) and then she turns away, and I assume said conversation over. I finish off my first drink, consider my options for a second, and then she turns back toward me with:

"Are girls hot in Boston?"

How the fuck do you answer this? Ignore the fact that I'm a single guy, and a mildly attractive girl not from Boston just asked me this. I could be Estelle Getty and Bea Arthur is asking me this...HOW?

"Um, well...yeah, there's a lot of 'hot' girls in Boston."

"How about in Seattle?" she fired back.

"Well, yeah, I've seen some attractive girls here too." I couldn't help myself so I further responded "quite frankly, everywhere I've been, I've seen some hot girls and some ugly ones, and I'm sorry I haven't been keeping track of solid data, complete with an entire powerpoint presentation for you".

"But I mean, like...(pauses)...generally speaking...Boston or Seattle?"

I stared for a minute, grabbed a napkin and a pen from the bar, and drew a line with two points at the end. "This here is Seattle, this over here is Boston. This line is I-90, which connects the two, and is about a four/five day drive. Try it sometime".

She giggled (not my desired response. I was hoping for her to perhaps cry and leave, finish her drink and pass out...perhaps burst into flames, I didn't really care at this point) and said something to the effect of "don't be shy. I won't be offended if you say Boston girls are cuter".

I slammed down my second drink which had only just arrived seconds before, swallowed hard, took a deep breath and said simply "Neither. Gary, Indiana. I love crackwhores." I then left my seat, texted a buddy, bummed a cig off a stranger, struck up a conversation with said stranger, struck up several conversations with more strangers who came up to us...eventually made it back inside to see my friends were ready to leave with annoying dumb girl walking by me, asking (and by this point she's absolutely shitfaced, which is a fucking scientific marvel in of itself because she was perfectly fine only a half hour or so earlier):

"Would I be *hic* hot in Gary, Indiana?"

No.

A Really Long Entry That I Expect You To Read Anyway

One night stands. They happen. I also didn't think they were really needing some jackoff to make a list of how to, well, "do them". Apparently I was wrong. First, enjoy

Now let's break this down using Jon-think

1. ALWAYS have Condoms with you
-Well, um...if an adult who goes out in public every now and then needs to be told this...God help him/her.

2. Do NOT give them your phone number
-Again, kind of obvious given the nature of a true "one-night stand", however I love the implication that if you actually like the person enough to give out your phone number you are doing something heinously wrong and should ask your pastor for forgiveness. That, and people apparently becomes stalkers like it rains in Seattle. "OH, I have Jon's cell number! Even though he was only average in bed and average looking, I'm gonna call him 400 times next week! He'll wish he'll NEVER have given me his cell!!!!!!"

3. They MUST be a stranger
- Yes, because in the history of mankind, two friends have never had sex and been able to maintain that friendship and understand what that "one night" really meant. Ever. Shakespeare wrote plays about this every day of his life.

4. Do NOT be drunk
- Congratulations on now telling every single human being on the planet they've been doing this wrong. Does this asshole run around also saying the sky is really brown?

5. Do NOT go to your place
- Yes, because if you really want to fuck and the other person's place is too far away to realistically go there, you should go at it behind a dumpster. Or in the city park next to seven hobos. Why? Because having sex with someone in your own bedroom is just so dangerous and should never be attempted.

6. Do NOT use your car
-As an adult I'm willing to get a hotel room for the night if the only viable alternative is a fucking automobile. Also, apparently using a stranger's car is better than yours.

7. Do NOT eat anything weird before
-Because there are plenty of things in life where eating something completely fucking strange and bizzare is actually preferred. Like a job interview. Eat squirrel balls and watch the Golden Girls naked before that.

8. Do NOT fall asleep
-Implication being if it's your SO, begin snoozing immediately after foreplay. It'd be like you're already married!

9. Do NOT leave any tracks
-Yes, because there was that one time I accidently left a sock at this girl's place, and the police tracked me down and I was extradited to Singapore where I was caned daily for three years. Don't ever do this.

10. Do NOT kiss them when you leave
-Mushroom stamp her instead in order to proclaim dominance. Take a shit in her laundry basket. Recite the Gettysburg Address backwards in your best Don Rickles voice while masturbating on a toaster strudel. Anything besides kissing her before you leave.