A Really Long Entry That I Expect You To Read Anyway

One night stands. They happen. I also didn't think they were really needing some jackoff to make a list of how to, well, "do them". Apparently I was wrong. First, enjoy

Now let's break this down using Jon-think

1. ALWAYS have Condoms with you
-Well, um...if an adult who goes out in public every now and then needs to be told this...God help him/her.

2. Do NOT give them your phone number
-Again, kind of obvious given the nature of a true "one-night stand", however I love the implication that if you actually like the person enough to give out your phone number you are doing something heinously wrong and should ask your pastor for forgiveness. That, and people apparently becomes stalkers like it rains in Seattle. "OH, I have Jon's cell number! Even though he was only average in bed and average looking, I'm gonna call him 400 times next week! He'll wish he'll NEVER have given me his cell!!!!!!"

3. They MUST be a stranger
- Yes, because in the history of mankind, two friends have never had sex and been able to maintain that friendship and understand what that "one night" really meant. Ever. Shakespeare wrote plays about this every day of his life.

4. Do NOT be drunk
- Congratulations on now telling every single human being on the planet they've been doing this wrong. Does this asshole run around also saying the sky is really brown?

5. Do NOT go to your place
- Yes, because if you really want to fuck and the other person's place is too far away to realistically go there, you should go at it behind a dumpster. Or in the city park next to seven hobos. Why? Because having sex with someone in your own bedroom is just so dangerous and should never be attempted.

6. Do NOT use your car
-As an adult I'm willing to get a hotel room for the night if the only viable alternative is a fucking automobile. Also, apparently using a stranger's car is better than yours.

7. Do NOT eat anything weird before
-Because there are plenty of things in life where eating something completely fucking strange and bizzare is actually preferred. Like a job interview. Eat squirrel balls and watch the Golden Girls naked before that.

8. Do NOT fall asleep
-Implication being if it's your SO, begin snoozing immediately after foreplay. It'd be like you're already married!

9. Do NOT leave any tracks
-Yes, because there was that one time I accidently left a sock at this girl's place, and the police tracked me down and I was extradited to Singapore where I was caned daily for three years. Don't ever do this.

10. Do NOT kiss them when you leave
-Mushroom stamp her instead in order to proclaim dominance. Take a shit in her laundry basket. Recite the Gettysburg Address backwards in your best Don Rickles voice while masturbating on a toaster strudel. Anything besides kissing her before you leave.