One of the first books that I honestly fell in love with was Into The Wild, and this weekend I finally got around to watching the film adaptation directed by Sean Penn. Pretty good, I must say; certainly captured the spirit in which Christopher McCandless lived his intriguing life, and perhaps did an even better job than the book of (at the end of the film) portraying just the right amount of regret he probably had during his final breaths.
Of course, it made me think of the things I want to do; not necessarily the "things I want to do before I die" (generally a meaningless list) but the "things I need to do to find my own truth" (somewhat airy-fairy but still holds perceived meaning). Per usual, once I drifted off into thought I got distracted by the first shiny object and never completed the task. Now that I sit in front of the computer, I'm looking back at the important things I have done, and one particular event, a two and a half week odyssey in fact, seems to have provided me with most lasting value to this day.
"The Trip"
Four dudes, one shitty van, and the entire country of Canada in front of us...well, from Montreal westward, that is. Sorry, maritime provinces.
While some of the details I care not to explain, in part because of length required would take me all night to divulge, but also because, well, some of the experience I wish to keep my own, it still ranks as the best time of my life.
Many long to backpack through Europe, or trek through SE Asia (I certainly wouldn't mind doing either), yet this cheaper alternative provided four college students who couldn't legally drink in their own country a chance to explore a land not very different from their own, but at the same time still exciting and enchanting for the simple fact there were no rules, no itineraries, and no expectations...just driving, stopping when we so desired, and exploring. I have traveled abroad (like, over a fucking ocean and/or not in another largely English-speaking country) but it was different. For that, I had a schedule, and having a schedule means having a leash. For this...nothing. Just us, and whatever the fuck we felt like.
There was plenty of boozing, sexual encounters (some regrettable), and the like, but honestly all of that took a backseat to the wonders of the open road and the idea of being completely unchained to anything at the given time. Hell, two of those guys I'm no longer in contact with and the other I think is a raging douchebag these days, but it doesn't matter; we'll always be brothers for those 17 or so days, for the sheer amount of trouble we at times dance around, and for the immeasurable quantities of fun we had together.
For one, after getting back home once the trip was done for, I began to realize what I was capable of, and also what humanity in of itself can be. I can't even count the number of total strangers we encountered willing to buy us a beer and have a laugh with us (sometimes at our expense). In a dingy cowboy bar just outside of Calgary for instance, grown men who would make Sam Elliott and John Wayne look like Nancy boys regaled us with tales of love lost and other hardships of life, as if our mere presence automatically made us regulars at their watering hole. I really could go on all night, but you get the drift.
I would do a similar trip in a heartbeat, but it wouldn't be the same. While still a young guy, the weary roads we travel in every day life out in the real world can't help but make you grow cynical in some ways. My eyes aren't as open, and at times my mind seems to be padlocked. What made "the trip" so great was our youthful innocence and eagerness to trust anything and anyone that came in our path. Now, it's different; not necessarily worse, just different.
But I wouldn't mind trying.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Matzo and Flotilla Soup
In the aftermath of the siege, any level-headed observer is left with the feeling that Israel seems quite content to cut off its nose to spite its face. While I certainly have no problem with the nation of Israel itself, or its very right to exist, the fact they can time and time again act and react with belligerence with our aid, essentially our weaponry (we certainly helped pay for them), and our de facto backing is highly disconcerting.
We've helped to prop up Israel largely on two fronts; one, the "realist" approach, for the sake of having a democratic ally in a generally not-so-democratic Middle East, and the other the "wacko Christian"; the babble from Christian Conservatives about the rapture and how Jesus ain't coming back unless the Jews have their homeland (of course, no politician with the second mindset ever says so publicly, but, we know). While spending any time delving into the latter approach makes my head hurt and lowers my IQ, the former becomes troubling if they routinely fuck up relations at a faster pace than we can try to save. The route taken to deliver humanitarian aid directly through the Gaza blockade was a direct provocation, no doubt, but one that a military as modern and well trained as the Israelis should stop with no problem whatsoever. Yet magically, 9 people ended up dead, and now perhaps the only Muslim ally the Israelis had, Turkey, is rightfully pissed. Well done. And, of course, is there a shred of remorse from our own Middle Eastern, non-Muslim ally? Nein.
Is Israel bad? No; the country is a bastion of economic activity and scientific development in a region that otherwise lacks both, and generally promotes liberal social customs in a region that, surprise, generally lacks that as well. Outside of probably only Turkey, try being an openly gay atheist, for instance, elsewhere in the region and see how long you can last before being burned at the stake. Hell, several parts of America are backwards compared to Israel and their general tolerance and acceptance towards different lifestyles. Throw in the fact that both Hamas and Hezbollah are retards, and you can see why it's easy for the pro-capitalist, democratic American to throw their weight behind the Israeli cause and support them dutifully.
The problem is that, while perhaps on a more "dignified, Western-like" level, the Israelis are just as unwilling to accept the terms of peace that we try to set for the region. I'm bothered by this because, well, my tax dollars aren't arming the 12-year old Palestinian boy who might chuck a rock at frustration towards an IDF soldier, but instead helps pay for the IDF tank that may very well just run over said 12-year old boy and say "oops" after. My tax dollars helped pay for the use of white phosphorous that was used against ("accidentally", of course) Gaza civilians. And, my tax dollars helped arm the IDF soldiers that shot up those aboard the flotilla. Ignore the obvious moral issues for a second; we provide direct monetary assistance for this. Who gives a shit if we reprimand them after, we've given them a blank check. What does that mean? Every disenfranchised Palestinian is seeing little American flags on everything Israel does to them. If that doesn't bother you, I'm not sure what will.
Forget the Gaza blockade, as stupid and useless as it has been (all it does is cause further hatred to develop since many supplies can still be funneled through Egypt anyway). Forget the illegal settlements, further proof that there is a legitimate hardline Israeli contingent that really doesn't give a flying fuck about a two-state future. Forget everything else...and just let this sink in:
We. Are. Allowing. This.
We've allowed the Israelis to develop a nuclear program without putting an ounce of pressure on them to sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, and somehow think we have a leg to stand on to demand Iran and other bad boys in the region to comply. I can state other glaring problems, but my head is starting to spin. If, heaven forbid, the Middle East becomes the smoldering pile it very well could, we can largely thank ourselves for doing a shitty job of keeping our non-Muslim ally in check. At this point, I don't even blame Israel for anything anymore. We're a bad parent who has raised a spoiled, entitled kid and it's too far gone to reign him in.
I can't state it enough; most Israelis are great people, and the nation itself stands for many good things...but Palestinians are largely good people too, and because of our insistence on being pro-Israel first and foremost on everything, I don't know what future that region has that would allow for anything resulting in "peace" if the country with the best and most aggressive military thinks it can do no wrong, and we're too blind to ask them, just once, to chill the fuck out.
We've helped to prop up Israel largely on two fronts; one, the "realist" approach, for the sake of having a democratic ally in a generally not-so-democratic Middle East, and the other the "wacko Christian"; the babble from Christian Conservatives about the rapture and how Jesus ain't coming back unless the Jews have their homeland (of course, no politician with the second mindset ever says so publicly, but, we know). While spending any time delving into the latter approach makes my head hurt and lowers my IQ, the former becomes troubling if they routinely fuck up relations at a faster pace than we can try to save. The route taken to deliver humanitarian aid directly through the Gaza blockade was a direct provocation, no doubt, but one that a military as modern and well trained as the Israelis should stop with no problem whatsoever. Yet magically, 9 people ended up dead, and now perhaps the only Muslim ally the Israelis had, Turkey, is rightfully pissed. Well done. And, of course, is there a shred of remorse from our own Middle Eastern, non-Muslim ally? Nein.
Is Israel bad? No; the country is a bastion of economic activity and scientific development in a region that otherwise lacks both, and generally promotes liberal social customs in a region that, surprise, generally lacks that as well. Outside of probably only Turkey, try being an openly gay atheist, for instance, elsewhere in the region and see how long you can last before being burned at the stake. Hell, several parts of America are backwards compared to Israel and their general tolerance and acceptance towards different lifestyles. Throw in the fact that both Hamas and Hezbollah are retards, and you can see why it's easy for the pro-capitalist, democratic American to throw their weight behind the Israeli cause and support them dutifully.
The problem is that, while perhaps on a more "dignified, Western-like" level, the Israelis are just as unwilling to accept the terms of peace that we try to set for the region. I'm bothered by this because, well, my tax dollars aren't arming the 12-year old Palestinian boy who might chuck a rock at frustration towards an IDF soldier, but instead helps pay for the IDF tank that may very well just run over said 12-year old boy and say "oops" after. My tax dollars helped pay for the use of white phosphorous that was used against ("accidentally", of course) Gaza civilians. And, my tax dollars helped arm the IDF soldiers that shot up those aboard the flotilla. Ignore the obvious moral issues for a second; we provide direct monetary assistance for this. Who gives a shit if we reprimand them after, we've given them a blank check. What does that mean? Every disenfranchised Palestinian is seeing little American flags on everything Israel does to them. If that doesn't bother you, I'm not sure what will.
Forget the Gaza blockade, as stupid and useless as it has been (all it does is cause further hatred to develop since many supplies can still be funneled through Egypt anyway). Forget the illegal settlements, further proof that there is a legitimate hardline Israeli contingent that really doesn't give a flying fuck about a two-state future. Forget everything else...and just let this sink in:
We. Are. Allowing. This.
We've allowed the Israelis to develop a nuclear program without putting an ounce of pressure on them to sign the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, and somehow think we have a leg to stand on to demand Iran and other bad boys in the region to comply. I can state other glaring problems, but my head is starting to spin. If, heaven forbid, the Middle East becomes the smoldering pile it very well could, we can largely thank ourselves for doing a shitty job of keeping our non-Muslim ally in check. At this point, I don't even blame Israel for anything anymore. We're a bad parent who has raised a spoiled, entitled kid and it's too far gone to reign him in.
I can't state it enough; most Israelis are great people, and the nation itself stands for many good things...but Palestinians are largely good people too, and because of our insistence on being pro-Israel first and foremost on everything, I don't know what future that region has that would allow for anything resulting in "peace" if the country with the best and most aggressive military thinks it can do no wrong, and we're too blind to ask them, just once, to chill the fuck out.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Closure
There is something indefinitely fulfilling in reaching inside yourself and finding something broken, and being able to mend it back together in a way that years ago you assumed to be impossible. There is also something about this which almost strikes you as embarrassing, as if you had waited for so long for nothing, simply out of fear. Regret is a powerful thing, made moreso when you realize what kept you from coming to terms with "it" was being afraid of your own shadow.
I made a giant step in the right direction last weekend, taking advantage of the Memorial Day weekend to plug an old leaky hole that had been letting a drip go on for way too long, and the fact it only took a few hours out of my day to come to an understanding, and to find peace, told me more about myself than most of the experiences I've had in the 20-some odd years of my existence. What I'm afraid of most, perhaps of all, is letting go of things that no matter how awful they might be, largely made me who I am today. The caring, thoughtful person I strive to be today (and to an extent I certainly am) stems in large part from my adolescence as a selfish prick, longing for a quick fix at every turn and displaying a general lack of empathy for everything and everyone around me. I wasn't a bad kid; I almost always obeyed orders, was polite and at times even outright demure, but at the end of the day my own well-being came so far out in front of others in terms of importance that I made a continual habit of missing the forest for the trees.
And then, things changed. Cemeteries began filling up with gravestones of those I knew, and I managed to find ways to let down other loved ones in my life. While these events would prove to be traumatic for anyone, the cross I carried from then on was mostly self-designed. I took these tragedies personal (some deserved, most however not so), made them a part of my being, and essentially lived my life as an act of pity. I was at fault for everything, and a complete change in who I was, and how I viewed the world around me, was in order.
To be fair, NONE of this is as nearly dark as it sounds. I still had fun, still drank, still fucked, and otherwise from the surface lived the life of a normal young adult with hormones and a penchant for deriving pleasure. Yet, inside there was something burning that told me to be a certain someone; be someone who loved unconditionally, and be someone who would never betray. Not out of an honest appreciation for my fellow man, but because of sheer guilt.
What I'm learning now is I don't need an excuse or some inner driving force to command my emotions. I can love simply for the sake of loving. Perhaps I've been doing such all along, I just convinced myself there must have been some other power. There is none. Only me.
And I like that.
I made a giant step in the right direction last weekend, taking advantage of the Memorial Day weekend to plug an old leaky hole that had been letting a drip go on for way too long, and the fact it only took a few hours out of my day to come to an understanding, and to find peace, told me more about myself than most of the experiences I've had in the 20-some odd years of my existence. What I'm afraid of most, perhaps of all, is letting go of things that no matter how awful they might be, largely made me who I am today. The caring, thoughtful person I strive to be today (and to an extent I certainly am) stems in large part from my adolescence as a selfish prick, longing for a quick fix at every turn and displaying a general lack of empathy for everything and everyone around me. I wasn't a bad kid; I almost always obeyed orders, was polite and at times even outright demure, but at the end of the day my own well-being came so far out in front of others in terms of importance that I made a continual habit of missing the forest for the trees.
And then, things changed. Cemeteries began filling up with gravestones of those I knew, and I managed to find ways to let down other loved ones in my life. While these events would prove to be traumatic for anyone, the cross I carried from then on was mostly self-designed. I took these tragedies personal (some deserved, most however not so), made them a part of my being, and essentially lived my life as an act of pity. I was at fault for everything, and a complete change in who I was, and how I viewed the world around me, was in order.
To be fair, NONE of this is as nearly dark as it sounds. I still had fun, still drank, still fucked, and otherwise from the surface lived the life of a normal young adult with hormones and a penchant for deriving pleasure. Yet, inside there was something burning that told me to be a certain someone; be someone who loved unconditionally, and be someone who would never betray. Not out of an honest appreciation for my fellow man, but because of sheer guilt.
What I'm learning now is I don't need an excuse or some inner driving force to command my emotions. I can love simply for the sake of loving. Perhaps I've been doing such all along, I just convinced myself there must have been some other power. There is none. Only me.
And I like that.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Break-up Dance
Years ago, in a non-descript diner having lunch with a girl in a boring suburb of Boston, I play with my clam chowder. It tastes good; after all if you're going to order a cup of clam chowder you best do it in New England (fuck Manhattan), yet I'm not really hungry. I mean, I kind of am, I hadn't eaten all day, but I just don't feel like eating. I make these cute little maneuvers with my spoon, twirling pieces of clam up against the oyster crackers I unceremoniously dumped into the bowl minutes prior, and I'm sure a couple times I've accidently toppled a little clam nugget over the edge of the cup and either onto the table or the floor. I really don't care, it's a diner. I don't even remember, nor care, what she ordered. I'm too fixated on pretending I'm that interested in the ingredients in my clam chowder that I must twirl my spoon endlessly to identify each morsel..."oh look, a piece of potato"...
We're about to break up. That much is inevitable and hanging over our table like a storm cloud. Why the hell could we not have done this over the phone, or at least in person without having to enter a dining establishment and placing orders which means we owe money afterward? Eventually, I fuck up my graceful spoon-twirling and said spoon careens out the cup and slides over the table, shattering the awkward yet predictable silence.
"We have to talk..." she starts.
I know.
The act of "breaking up" can incite many different emotions, but by this point it's happened enough in my life that it's become yet another predictable song-and-dance that I consider among many of life's other monotonous activities; the brushing of teeth, the wiping of your ass after a shit...yet the one potentially awkward variable is that while I know how I'll manage, you're never quite sure how the other party will. Even when it's largely their idea to end the relationship and move on with their life, sometimes they actually seem to take it the hardest. Some people just don't respond well to cutting ties with not necessarily the former romantic partner, but the actual entity of a romantic relationship. The emotional investment in something is now kaput, and all that time can be viewed as a total waste and utterly regrettable. Or, while they've grown sick of their former partner or just feel they've "grown apart", the idea of no longer having that romantic figure (again, not the actual individual) in their lives for the short term makes them feel lonely or incomplete.
Personally? For the most part, meh. Sure, some girls have gotten away that I wish I made more of an effort to please or at least not have been such a dumbass towards, but ultimately I'm not a "chaser". If you don't want to be with me, I don't feel angry or defeated, and I certainly don't want to continue something that you're already looking beyond. I have many faults, but I have plenty of strengths as well, and if said strengths aren't what you want or the faults just outweigh them in your mind, hey, that's cool. No hard feelings. Best of luck.
The problem is, that attitude can look rather cavalier and, well, uncaring to some, which is why I tag along to the diner in a boring suburb and play with my clam chowder as if I'm "avoiding some calamitous and trying emotional event about to ensue." It's probably not even convincing by this point, but I pretend to myself it is. I never want the girl to think I can get over her so quickly, as if I never loved her in the first place...I did (or still do). I also don't want to come off like some bitter douche who's first move after our "break up lunch" is to call one of her best friends for a hook up. Most of the time, it seems, it's best to play it off like I usually do; cautious, pensive, remorseful yet strong.
Is it a total act? Not really, many of those feelings are real yet my natural mannerisms don't always translate them well. Again, I'm more afraid/worried/flat out unsure of just how SHE will react, and the cautious-pensive-remorseful-yet strong routine generally conveys the safest array of feelings to ensure the least volatile or awkward reaction to the break-up talk. She can walk away feeling "I do think he really loved me, but I think we'll all be okay".
Perhaps all of this largely stems from the fact that I generally don't care if I "win" in most tense or dramatic situations. Arguments happen, but as long as I state my case I don't need to have the last word. Break-ups certainly happen, and again, I don't feel it's important to slay the victim with a jab about any perceived faults in the bedroom or other shit, real or imagined, that I "put up with" during our relationship. It's over, who cares.
I could go for some clam chowder, though.
We're about to break up. That much is inevitable and hanging over our table like a storm cloud. Why the hell could we not have done this over the phone, or at least in person without having to enter a dining establishment and placing orders which means we owe money afterward? Eventually, I fuck up my graceful spoon-twirling and said spoon careens out the cup and slides over the table, shattering the awkward yet predictable silence.
"We have to talk..." she starts.
I know.
The act of "breaking up" can incite many different emotions, but by this point it's happened enough in my life that it's become yet another predictable song-and-dance that I consider among many of life's other monotonous activities; the brushing of teeth, the wiping of your ass after a shit...yet the one potentially awkward variable is that while I know how I'll manage, you're never quite sure how the other party will. Even when it's largely their idea to end the relationship and move on with their life, sometimes they actually seem to take it the hardest. Some people just don't respond well to cutting ties with not necessarily the former romantic partner, but the actual entity of a romantic relationship. The emotional investment in something is now kaput, and all that time can be viewed as a total waste and utterly regrettable. Or, while they've grown sick of their former partner or just feel they've "grown apart", the idea of no longer having that romantic figure (again, not the actual individual) in their lives for the short term makes them feel lonely or incomplete.
Personally? For the most part, meh. Sure, some girls have gotten away that I wish I made more of an effort to please or at least not have been such a dumbass towards, but ultimately I'm not a "chaser". If you don't want to be with me, I don't feel angry or defeated, and I certainly don't want to continue something that you're already looking beyond. I have many faults, but I have plenty of strengths as well, and if said strengths aren't what you want or the faults just outweigh them in your mind, hey, that's cool. No hard feelings. Best of luck.
The problem is, that attitude can look rather cavalier and, well, uncaring to some, which is why I tag along to the diner in a boring suburb and play with my clam chowder as if I'm "avoiding some calamitous and trying emotional event about to ensue." It's probably not even convincing by this point, but I pretend to myself it is. I never want the girl to think I can get over her so quickly, as if I never loved her in the first place...I did (or still do). I also don't want to come off like some bitter douche who's first move after our "break up lunch" is to call one of her best friends for a hook up. Most of the time, it seems, it's best to play it off like I usually do; cautious, pensive, remorseful yet strong.
Is it a total act? Not really, many of those feelings are real yet my natural mannerisms don't always translate them well. Again, I'm more afraid/worried/flat out unsure of just how SHE will react, and the cautious-pensive-remorseful-yet strong routine generally conveys the safest array of feelings to ensure the least volatile or awkward reaction to the break-up talk. She can walk away feeling "I do think he really loved me, but I think we'll all be okay".
Perhaps all of this largely stems from the fact that I generally don't care if I "win" in most tense or dramatic situations. Arguments happen, but as long as I state my case I don't need to have the last word. Break-ups certainly happen, and again, I don't feel it's important to slay the victim with a jab about any perceived faults in the bedroom or other shit, real or imagined, that I "put up with" during our relationship. It's over, who cares.
I could go for some clam chowder, though.
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